I have thought about what the “winning formula” for happy, functional nuclear families is, and how to get this across to the younger generation as best I can in a way that their frazzled tik-tok brains MIGHT spend the necessary 35 seconds to contemplate it and assimilate it before something shiny takes their short term memory out back and rapes it in the alley.
So here it is in bullet point form (gnashing of teeth and further explanations after):
For the Man – Priorities, in order
- God
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Family
- Wife first in terms of respect shown
- Kids first in terms of life and death stuff
- Himself last in terms of life and death stuff (possibly even after the family dog)
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Duty
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There are many duties for a man in a family but not all are visible
- Practical: Earn the money/security for the family
- Future-proofing: Think WAY ahead so that in extremes he and his family are ahead of the curve
- Teaching: Ensure and enforce life skills, basic rules of behaviour, efficiency, and effectiveness (for children this begins mostly around age 7, but it’s never too early to start teaching them HOW to think [for themselves])
- Make them aware of the LIES of the modern world and how to avoid, survive, side-step, and overcome them.
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There are many duties for a man in a family but not all are visible
For the Woman – Prioroties, in order
- Husband (yes, yes, I know, explanation below)
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Children
- When a baby is small and before they can walk around and talk this child takes precedence over the other children and the husband certainly for life and death stuff, but mostly also for day-to-day stuff. It’s not about being a helicopter parent, it’s about teaching, helping and making sure the baby can learn, knows if he cries there is someone that will take care of it (babies only cry for a reason (when really small, either hunger, thirst, belly ache, teething, or some other discomfort). And until they are old enough to understand that reason themselves, it’s up to YOU to ensure they learn you will take care of them. I can’t stand women that let small children cry endlessly, it also teaches them to do it later when it’s certainly not warranted.
- Even when the kids can take care of themselves to varying degrees, in life and death stuff it’s still kids first, then herself, then husband (he WANTS her to take care of herself first if he’s a half-decent husband). But in terms of respect demonstrated it should always be husband first.
- Education. It is the woman that is most with the children when they are young, and how she teaches them to behave is not by SAYING things, but by how she DOES things. Orderly, reasoned, logical, with correct priorities and giving tasks to each child is the right way. Chaotic, inconsistent, disorganised, is not, and sets them up to be undisciplined later. The father is the ultimate line definer, and as they get older his role becomes increasingly important, but it is the mother that sets things up from the start.
- God (again, yes, yes, I know, explanation below)
- Home. A peaceful, clean, organised home that is a safe harbour for all is the aim.
On the female issues you are upset about
WARNING: There will be no sugar coating. Get your ice cream tubs ready.
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Women by and large are not really abstract thinkers. Their ability to do logic, project forward for the future, or consider philosophically deep issues is essentially limited. From my perspective it is already a remote skill in MOST humans, but in women it is even less likely to appear. A woman’s religion tends to be whatever her husband’s is. And if he dies and she remarries, she may well change it too. The correct guide for her to have in terms of how to move towards the future in general is whatever her husband says it should be. Now… it is true that:
- Since all humans are flawed, her husband WILL fuck up from time to time.
- Since all humans are flawed so will she.
- The point is not for the husband to be a tyrant that controls her every thought, deed and action. The point is that biologically men are DESIGNED to take care of their family better than they take care of themselves. And as long as you actually have a man like that, the likelihood that the woman has better ideas of how to go about organising their lives, planning for the future, and correctly prioritising what needs to be done at the MACRO scale is generally laughable. We are assuming roughly equal IQs here, or the man’s being somewhat higher. Now, it is absolutely true that at the MICRO scale, the woman may well be far better than the man, BUT… it is IMPERATIVE that it is understood that the value of MACRO and MICRO are NOT the same. For example, my wife is far better at preparing for a day at the beach. She makes sandwiches, takes spare clothing for the kids, remembers the right toys, sun-cream for the little ones that are not used to harsh sun yet, arm-bands to prevent generic drowning, etc. She also takes at least 3 hours to get everyone ready. I can get the kids ready for the beach in about 15 minutes flat. There will be no sandwiches, maybe a bottle of water, and sunscreen. Toys? Find a stick. There is sand and sea-shells, what else do you need? Change of clothes? It’s hot, deal with it. Arm-bands? Learn to swim. Don’t get the lifeguard to save you cause you’re too lazy to learn. Kick your legs like I tell you dammit. Stop drinking so much sea-water, you puked on me twice already! It’s true if I took them to the beach on my own a couple of things would happen. 1. They will probably ask to go home after a few hours, preventing the usual drama when it’s time to go (because things like hunger, tiredness, and dad saying “walk it off, or maybe piss on it” when you get stung by a jelly fish, tend to make you appreciate home, and whatever food is put in front of you when you get there. (Which prevents mom from having to cook 4 different meals and peel the skin off the grapes and gently sauté the veal chops, and, and, and, but is she grateful??? Noooo. All she does is complain about the one kid with a jelly fish sting on his arm, the other one looking a bit dehydrated, and a patch of missed sun-cream now in the shape of an angry lobster that matches the colour too. Ungrateful!) 2. They will have had great opportunity to build character, as Calvin’s Dad in Calvin and Hobbes says. Which, jokes aside, is a VERY important thing for them to do. And frankly, when your kids are already uncivilised barbarians with the blood of marauding Vikings running in their veins, they actually sometimes have MORE fun with dad. Despite the possible accumulation of scar tissue over the years. But that relates to the children. And even then I want you to think minute. What is best, a family where the children NEVER had to experience not having their favourite cucumber sandwich with the skin peeled and the. crust cut off and made into hexagons, OR, one in which they had that generally, but also learnt to deal with a “dad seaside” version. In life, in plotting the family trajectory, I assure you that a conscientious man will be WAY ahead of his conscientious wife. And she will also nag him about “inconsequential” shit like what brand of sun-cream to get, and if the kids are wearing the “right kind” of clothes, or their hair are brushed, etc. etc. In short, women have a WHOLE LOT of LEAVES to look at, get busy with, and take care of. And if the wife and husband understand each other, she will do so without expecting him to really be all that involved, other than perhaps point out a couple of things that could be done better, faster, or more effectively. A smart wife gets on with all those bits and lets her somewhat oblivious husband cogitate on stuff that he actually basically never really needs to even discuss with her. I.e. FORESTS. Because if you ever do try to discuss where you see your family 5, 10, or 20 years from now, your wife will assume you are insane if she even hears you out, and also spend the entire time interrupting your train of thought while she points out all the “problems” she sees with your vision (none of which generally are even related to it). Ergo, while the man may appear to be smoking a cigar while he looks at clouds, he actually really IS contemplating and planning the future. And no, I am not actually joking here. Maybe it’s different for other men, but as far as I can tell, it is not. Just like setting up a project, a job, a spreadsheet, the time spent thinking about the steps to take, is crucial (as long as you actually DO take steps, nothing is more infuriating than a lazy asshole PRETENDING to be cogitating (and yes, sadly there are a LOT of those too)). All of this is to say why GOD is in position n. 3 for a woman. Because in its essence, God is not really “practical” for most women. Little kid shat itself and the roast is about to burn. THAT needs attention! The trinity? Eh… not so much. Now, make no mistake, cleaning a baby’s ass and not burning dinner are IMPORTANT things, but in the scheme of things, if you were to ACTUALLY truly figure out and process the full meaning of the Trinity internally, I assure you it’s worth several burn dinners and a slightly longer wait before you wipe that little ass clean. But MEN think this way, women do not.
- Now as to why the Husband is above the children and even God, that is in terms of the respect due and duty due, which you will note, is in the same order a Man has it: Wife first, then kids. Except a woman should save herself before saving her husband in a life and death thing. The DUTIES of a man are different from those of a woman. And the duties of a woman are in essence encompassed in the four points above. God is above home, because if she remembers the peace, love, and serenity represented by God, she can make the home that way too. For man, God is above all because in the same way as it’s a reminder for her of how to create a home (the MICRO of family life) it is from there, a reminder for him, that everything that really matters to him in the world stems from. If he follows the correct will of God, then he will be acting correctly and his family with thrive (in the MACRO sense), as long as his wife follows his own correct choices and does not cause strife and rebelliousness in the home. Now a wife can voice her opinions of course, and a husband should listen to them, but ultimately, if the husband decides they go left, the wife should understand that it is best to go left. Even, in fact ESPECIALLY, when she really FEELS they should go right.
Now to the times when things go wrong:
No human is perfect. Errors will happen. Big ones too. The whole point of marriage being unbreakable in Catholicism, is exactly the fact that: you marry KNOWING that. And it IS a Godly thing to take on a flawed creature and commit to it for life. Now will there be some really terrible marriages? Sure. Shit happens. BUT… if you KNOW marriage is for life no matter what, you will probably take it far more seriously, and if you both enter it honestly and of your own free will, then you already know you will have to face some shit hitting the fan. And more than once or twice, because that is life. If you decide to marry, you are in effect saying: OK, from now on until I die, I belong to this person, and they to me.
It’s not a question of “will we make it”, but rather a question of “whatever happens, we will overcome it.”
BUT WHAT ABOUT…?
It doesn’t matter. Do your best to NOT be the bad, negative, terrible exception. And if it goes all wrong… eh. It happens. Survive it. Make it better if you can, but remember: no one gets out of this life alive. So however bad it is, it will, eventually end. May as well do your best and try and enjoy it as best you can until then. Anything less than that shows an unintelligent approach to life.
And while your situation is no doubt unique, it really isn’t that special. And in all likelihood, as a man, you are being a whiny little bitch, and are nothing like those guys in the crusades who after four days in the desert in full armour without water still attacked and took over a fortress town held by muslims. And you, woman, are in all likelihood also a whiny bitch, and nothing like those women that worked the field, and had twelve children back at a time where internal plumbing and electricity were unheard of luxuries. So… buckle up, both of you, stop being whiny bitches and BUILD the future. Because only certain types of people who understand and act along these lines will exist down the line. Their children and grandchildren will be the ones who are able to show up. Be one of them.
This post was originally published on my Substack. Link here
